Live & Direct from Nowhere in Particular...

Strange fascination, fascinating me
Ah changes are taking the pace I'm going through

— David Bowie

Some of you are likely aware of the slightly odd relationship (not relationship, just relationship) I've had over the last year or so with a certain guy I met that goes to UTD. I say odd because it started as hanging out a little ... then he wanted to date, but I wasn't in dating mode ... then it moved on to just intimacy ... then I kinda fell for him, but he had already removed me from relationship candidacy, so to speak ... so we just sort of continued hanging out ... & now he's dating a girl (which means not much hanging out).

As messed up as some of that seems, it has been educational. And mostly enjoyable. And we do get along ok & have fun when we hang out. And that last part is actually probably the least messed up, from what I know of her & him, it should work out pretty well. I mean they won't likely be getting married or anything, but for where they both are in their lives it seems just about right.

Anyway, on to the point of the post ...

Observations

I mentioned it has been educational. And it has. I've learned a lot about me. Much of it not too pretty. & I already knew a lot of not too pretty stuff about me, so adding to the list was a bit sobering.

It seems spending time with this particular guy and his friends really does a good job of bringing out my bad traits. In case you were curious, some of them are: bitchiness, negativity (it's hereditary it seems), jealousy (he's actually one of the few that's triggered that), indecisiveness, selfishness (oh hush, Jonas ), lack of commitment ... that's enough for now. I tend to react & say things that later I realize I probably shouldn't have (this blog entry is likely to be one of those, but oh well).

Also, as unemotional as I tend to come off to most people, the "being removed from relationship candidacy" stage was pretty rough for me. Certainly rougher than I expected it to be. I'm used to having crappy timing, that's pretty much always the case with regard to people that I see as having dating potential. But I'm not used to the effect it had in this particular case.

The last year or so (Actually more like the last 6 months or less) has also pointed out a few other things to me. While in general, I deal pretty well with stress, I think in this recent time frame I have hit my maximum tolerance a bit too often. I also think I need more change in my life than what I've been experiencing. For instance, I've owned my house for over 8 years ... that's a long time, the longest I've lived anywhere but my Dad's house. And I've worked where I do for longer than that. & in my current exact same position, doing mostly the same thing, for the same manager, for over 7 years (as a "permanent" employee for 7 years in August). That's just too long. Going back to school helped, but that brought out other issues. Like the stress (though I think more of that comes from the boredom @ work leading to subpar performance leading to trying to catch up and compensate). And like spending time trying to socialize, at least a little, with people that are a dozen years younger than me. I was somewhat antisocial and certainly not in any "in-crowds" when I was their age & that certainly hasn't improved any.

Conclusions

So, I came to a few conclusions. Or at least the beginnings of some conclusions.

One is that I really need to develop some new relationships. Don't get me wrong, my close friends are great. Well, except that one is a recluse (like I'm one to talk), one lives in Virginia and one has a job that keeps him way too busy (hire some more people already! ). So, I rarely see any of them. It's certainly not their fault though, it's not like I'm particularly good about instigating interaction, which is something else I need to work on.

One of the stipulations on these new relations is that they need to be with people that are closer to me demographically. Or at least a lot more of them need to be. Hanging out with above mentioned particular guy was fine when it was just us, even with the age difference because we sort of bridged the gap and he is pretty well grounded & mature for his limited years. When it was really a problem was when his friends were around. Then I was sort of out numbered I guess, and he acted more his age. Not that there is anything wrong with that, but it tended to make me uncomfortable. Like to the point of mild paranoia, like I was missing something that was going on beyond my realm of perception and that it was about me, and not in a good way. Interestingly I later found out that my paranoia was justified, since his friends actually disliked me. So I guess that is probably what I picked up on. And while "particular guy" said that he wouldn't let their opinions affect him, I know better than to think that's possible. As close as he is to his friends, it will have (and I think has had) an impact.

The hard part about minimizing this demographic gap is that the only place I seem to even have a chance at meeting new people lately is school. I haven't met many people I work with that are socialization material. Meeting people online tends not to lead to too many functional relationships. & I'm not outgoing enough for the bars, nor are they really my thing ... not for meeting people anyway. So, what else is there?

So that's the external inputs. I also have a lot I need to do about internal inputs too, but maybe those should be another entry.